Chapter 33: Sidney Crosby's Single?!

Sid's POV

"Ruff... Ruff..." I hear a dog whisper from behind me, followed by the feeling of a cold wet nose press against the back of my neck. I groan and someone stirs next to me, pushing closer against my, and fitting into me perfectly. I open my eyes and look down to see her. Her dark lashes fanned against her cheeks and her lips slightly pressed out.

"Ruff..." I hear again from behind me. I gently sit up to look behind me. At the edge of the bed Flash stands their looking at me with his ears perked up. He moves his mouth as if to bark but it comes out a whisper.

"Alright, you need out? Let's go" I whisper back getting up to as so as not to wake Caitlin.

I walk to the door way and realize that Flash isn't behind me. Looking around the room I finally spot him back on the bed, situating himself next to his owner.

"You sneaky little..." I mutter to the dog who has just stolen my spot.

I sigh giving up and decide to go down stairs. I situate myself on the couch and turn on the TV to watch the 6:00 news. Maggie jumps up next to me setting her head on my thigh.

"And now in other new, it looks as though Pittsburgh Penguins star Sidney Crosby is again single. His fiance Victoria Beaufort has been spotted in Texas on the arm of ex boyfriend Sean Avery. Although the break up hasn't been confirmed by Sidney, the pictures seem to confirm the news."

"Great," I say aloud as the pictures of Avery and Victoria holding hands and hugging pop up on the screen. The media will be all over me after tomorrow's practice.

"What's the matter," a voice asks from behind me. I turn to see Caitlin coming down the steps her long silk brown hair in a messy bun, and her drowsy eyes looking very sexy.

"The media found out about the break up already. Apparently Victoria went crying back to Avery like she said she would," I sigh.

"Ugh, bummer. I bet work is going to be fun tomorrow."

"yeah, you can say that again."

"So how about some dinner?"she asks changing the subject.

"Sounds great I'm starving. Whatcha got?"

"Well, I can't cook anything because I haven't gone shopping yet, but I think the guys left some Chinese and cold pizza behind."

"Awww... but I love your cooking."

"Sorry, maybe some other day." she smiles walking into the kitchen.

I get up and follow her in. At first I watch from the door frame as she busies herself with taking stuff out of the fridge. Flash comes trotting into the room followed by Hawkeye. Flash nudges Caitlin's hip and whines.

"I know you're hungry but you're just going to have to wait," she tells the dog, much like a mother would talk to a child. I lean on the door frame and grin, thinking of what a great mother she would be. 'Whoa, where did that come from Crosby?' I think to myself.

Flash whines again making it evident he wants something as he stares at her.

"Okay Flash, I got it, you need out," she says wiping her hands off.

She turns around and walks past me with a smile, and two dogs fallowing behind her. She comes to the front door and lets out her sharp whistle. Immediately dogs come from unknown place and run out the door. Closing the door behind her she walks back into the kitchen and continues working on dinner. I walk up behind her and hug her waist, placing a kiss below her ear. Carefully, I unwind her hair out of the bun and it tumbles to her back, releasing her coconut sent with it. Caitlin, on no occasion would be called girlie, she's tough and is often considered one of the boys, but her hair remains very feminine and well taken care of. I spread it out in my hand feeling it's silken texture.

"Do you need any help?"

"Nope, I'm almost done. Unless you want to put this in the microwave for a minute and a half?" she smiles pointing to a bowl of fried rice.

"Ugh, slave driver," I groan picking up the bowl and putting it in the microwave for a minute and a half.

"Oh, you poor baby. So weak that you can't put a bowl in the microwave," she coos sarcastically, sticking out her bottom lip as she comes over to me and puts her arms around my neck. Her fingers play with the curls at the nape of my neck. I smile before leaning down to touch my lips to hers, causing a static shock.

September 27, 2008 at Saturday, September 27, 2008 , 3 Comments

Chapter 32: BRAN!!!

I stand there flabbergasted as my heart drops into my stomach. I can't believe him! He's the one who said he'd be there for me, that I could count on him. And before we even get started he puts a halt on everything.

"You... what?" I growl in an attempt to keep my voice from breaking. He turns around and looks at me very confused. Then upon seeing me, his eyes light up and he smiles. He walks over to me and pulls me into a hug.

"No, that's not what I meant. I have a game at 7:30 and I need to get ready, so I can't talk right now," he chuckles kissing my cheek.

"Good thing you saved yourself, Crosby, because I was going to have to beat you," I sigh letting myself melt in his arms.

"And I bet you could take me too, but I need to get ready."

"Alright, good luck!" I say pulling away after kissing his cheek.

"Thanks, are you going to watch?"

"Are you kidding me? Of course I'm going to watch."

"If you want you can come to the game, I think I can spring you some tickets."

"Really! Ah, but, I shouldn't."


"Sid, I just got home from like 10 days on the road. I haven't seen 2 of my dogs in that amount of time and I don't want to leave them again so soon. So as extremely tempting as that sound, cause there is nothing better then a hockey game, I think I'll stick to the TV. Sorry." I say guiltily.

"No problem, I understand. Do you have to work tomorrow?"

"Yeah, I'm headed back first thing in the morning.""Alright then I guess I'll see you sometime tomorrow?"

"Yeah, I'll be home at like 3ish, you can just come on over."

"Okay. I'll see you later, I have to go," he sighs looking at his watch.

"K, Good luck. Tell the team to whip those Flyers out of Pittsburgh, nobody wants them here."

"Will do," he says kissing my cheek and walking away.

I spend the night in my own bed again, for the first time in over a week, but it's still missing something. I get up the next morning to my dogs crowded around me(which is extremely nice in the cold weather), but I wish it were Sid.

The next morning I get up with much difficulty (I hate Mondays), but I manage to do my normal morning routine, save the jog. I grab a cup of coffee and walk out the door to the scene of my dogs playing in the snow. Because I have been away from life for so long, I decide to take them to work with me, which is a pretty regular occurrence. As soon as I'm out of the door the bitter cold hits me. I go warm up the car and see Maggie begging me to let her in. All my dogs love the snow and cold, especially Koda and Bran, but Maggie has a very thin coat and must wear a jacket to keep her warm. She shivers as she looks up at me and whines.

"Aw, Maggs I'm sorry, I didn't know it was going to be so cold, let's go get your jacket," I say leading her back into the house. After putting on her blue quilted coat, which is in no way girly, we head back outside and go to the car. I let everyone in the back, except for Bran who sits in the passenger seat beside me.

We get to my office area and I unlock the door because Mary (my secretary/ receptionist) isn't there yet. I walk through the front desk area and over to my unlock my personal office door. The dogs all immediately go inside to make sure nobody has touched their beds when they were gone. I throw my keys on my desk before walking out to the front desk to sort through mail and check the messages. On top of the phone is a pink post it note,

I figured you'd be exhausted when you got back so I didn't book reservations until Wednesday. I hope you're not mad, but I figured you'd need some more rest, so take some more time off, because you're Wednesday schedule is going to be crazy!!! Sorry for making it that way, but Beth called me and told me you were a little banged up and to make you take it easy for a few more days.

Talk to you Wednesday,

"Errrrr.... Beth!" I growl. I know she's worried about me, but I can take care of myself, she's worse then my mother. Although I don't protest to much to the few extra days off, cause I'm still feeling a bit weak.
"Alright guys, we're going back home!" I call into the office causing the dogs to run out a little confused.I text Sid to tell him that I'm not going to work and that we can spend time together earlier then planned.

"Great! All the guys say they miss you, so don't be surprised if we all show up at your door at lunch time." he texts back making me laugh, he's like a little kid bringing all his friends home.

"That's fine, but you guys have to bring all the food and stuff being that there is nothing in my house."

"Will do."

I load the car back up with dogs and head back to my house. Once I get back to the house I change into old warn out jeans and a t-shirt. Just as I'm about to head back down the stairs, I see a line of other cars pull into my driveway. As soon as all the cars are parked between Sid's driveway and mine, I let the dogs out. I slip on my snow boots and walk outside to greet them. On my way down the steps I pick up a hand full of snow. I look for an unsuspecting victim and my eyes fall on Colby who is walking backwards talking to Kris Letang. I throw the snowball at him, and it hits him square in the back.

"What the...?"he says turning around, "Caitlin."

"Yes, Colby?" I ask innocently.

"Oh, please I know you threw it, you have that guilty grin on your face," he growls grinning at me.

"What ever are you talking about?"I smirk and my eyes widen as I see him run towards me. I laugh as I quickly speed away from him and up the steps into the house. I walk in the house and take my boots off, I turn around and I'm met by a pair of strong arms holding me. I look up to see Max Talbot grinning down at me mischievously.

"You wouldn't," I smirk.

"Oh I would," he smiles quietly before yelling, "HEY COLBY! I think I might what you're looking for!"

Colby comes running in the house after taking his shoes off. I try to wiggle out of Max's arms, but he's too strong for me to do it with out hurting him. I squeal as Colby begins his tickle torture. "No one can save you now!" he laughs.

"BRAN!!!" I shout between my uncontrollable laughter. Moments later Bran comes rushing in through the door over to my aide. I know he likes all the guys so he won't do anything to Colby. He manages to push himself between me and Colby so that Colby has to stop. Max let's me go and I praise Bran for his heroic behavior.

"What would I do with out you," I laugh as he wags his tail, his blue eyes staring at me. In a few minutes every body is inside and making themselves at home.

"Where's Sid?" I ask Marc who is standing near me holding bags on Chinese food.

"He said to tell you he had to meet with some people for awhile, but he'd be over soon," he replies fallowing me into the kitchen.

"Oh, okay."

Two hours and a rousing game of poker later, I see Sid pull into his drive way and make his way over to the house.

"Maggie, Sid's here,"I call to the greyhound sitting on the couch next to Petr Sykora watching some of the guys play a wii game. She immediately jumps up and goes running to the door waiting for him to come in. I walk back into the kitchen to get something to drink.

"I think she's in the kitchen," I hear Petr say.

I turn from the counter just in time to see Sidney walk in the door way. He looks extremely tired and warn out. He comes over to me, pulling me into a tight hug.

"Hey rough day?" I ask as he sets his head on my shoulder.

"Mmmhmm," he mumbles.

"What happened?"

"Just a bunch of little loose ends and stuff, you know the boring, tedious stuff that just exhausts

"Yeah, that sounds like fun."

"Believe me it really isn't."

"Well, why don't you just relax."

"I might just head home, being that everyone is here," he sighs pulling away from me.

"That's fine, if you want though, you can take my room upstairs, nobody really goes upstairs so
you wouldn't be bothered."

"Okay, I'll do that."
"I'm sure once you wake up that everyone will still be here."

"Yeah, okay," he yawns as he heads up the stairs.

"What's the matter with Sid?" Marc asks from the recliner.

"He's just really tired, so he's going to sleep for a bit."

A few hours pass and everyone starts to head home, but Sid's still upstairs sleeping. Colby is the last one to leave, and after I say good bye, I head upstairs to see Sid. I find him sprawled out on my bed. He looks so peaceful sleeping with one arms behind his head. It always amazes me how men turned into little boys when they were asleep. I crawl on the bed next to him and kiss his cheek. He groans quietly and his arm comes around me drawing me into him. I lie next to him, feeling his warmth against me and breathing in his scent. I smile before falling asleep curled up next to him with his arm draped around my waist.

at Saturday, September 27, 2008 , 3 Comments

Chapter 31: Talk!

The rest of the night, he seems kind of distant and doesn't really hang around me much, which is really weird. Sid is leaving early tomorrow morning to go back to Pittsburgh, and I figure I might as well wait until then to go with him. I stay the night at his house, and he insists I sleep in his bed. However, much to my dismay he takes the couch down stairs. The next morning after going through all the security and getting the dogs in the plane, which I really hate doing, I sit next to Sid who is just looking out the window.

"So did you have a good trip?" I ask, breaking the silence.


"Umm, that's good. Sid thanks again for letting me stay with you, you have no idea how much I appreciate it. "

"No problem," he says still looking out the window.

'weird,' I think to myself. He's never like this. The flight to Pittsburgh is a pretty quite one, we either slept or listened to music. I must still be off on my sleep schedule because I woke up to Sidney gently shaking me.

"Caitlin wake up, we're almost at the airport," he whispers.

I had my head pillowed on my shoulder, I stretch slightly and wait for us to land. As soon as we land, I'm the first one up. I need to go get my dogs. Once happily reunited with my dogs, I go to the parking lot where I left my car.

"Do you think you could give me a ride home, I don't really want to call anyone to pick me up, and I left the car at home," Sid asks hesitantly.

"Yeah, sure, if you don't mind, I want to pick up Mags and Koda first though," I respond. It's only 5:30.

"Okay, that's fine."

I pick up the phone to call Beth to let her know I'm coming. I pull into her driveway, her house is about 15 minutes from mine and get out of the car. I go around to the back and let Hawkeye, Bran, and Flash out so that they can see the rest of the family. Sid gets out too and quietly follows me. I knock on the door and a moment later Beth answers.

"Hi, how was your trip... Oh my God is that Sidney Crosby?!" she stands wide eyed looking behind me.

"Yeah, Sid this is Beth Kelley, Beth this is Sidney Crosby. I stayed with Sid, for two days in Nova Scotia before we came home. I'll tell you all about the trip later, where are my dogs?" I ask impatiently.

"There upstairs, I'll call them," she begins.

"No need," I say before letting out a whistle. All of a sudden Maggie and Koda come bolting down the stairs.

"Maggie, Koda," I say excitedly as the dogs run into my arms and kiss my face.

"Geez Caitlin, it's disgusting how much your dogs can't stand you," Beth's husband Zach says with a smile.

"Yeah, I know," I giggled over the kisses, "Alright you two, that's enough."

At my command they reluctantly stopped and headed over to the rest of the pack for yet another excited hello.

"So please tell me a little bit about your trip, God girl, you lost some weight," Beth says giving me the once over.

"Yeah, and some sleep,"Sidney says,"She was really exhausted when she came to my place."

"Caitlin, I hate it when you do this to yourself, you really shouldn't it's not good for you physically and it can't be good for you emotionally either."

"Yeah, I know. But my dogs and I can help, so we should help you know."

"Uh huh, how many bruises do you have? Any stitches this time?" Zach asked.

"No, no stitches, I only had to get stitches once and that wasn't even a big deal, I only had to get 5," I say sticking out my tongue at him.

"She does however have an extremely nasty bruise on her leg and shoulder," Sid threw in.

"Oh Caitlin, you need to get those looked at..."Beth starts.

"Beth, I'm fine, I can take care of myself. If I think I need some help I'll get some."

"Yeah, but the last time you said that I had to drag you to the hospital and we found out you had cracked ribs!"

"Beth, it was one cracked rib, and the doctor couldn't do any thing about it, I was fine. Don't worry, I call someone if I need help, and Sid's right next door."

"Thank God for that!" Beth sighed.

"Beth seriously stop worrying about me, I can take care of myself, have been for years. Plus you already have someone else to worry about," I grin looking down at her pregnant stomach, "Did you find out what it is?"

"It's a boy!" she said excitedly.

"Oh, congrats girl! You and I have to go shopping for him now,"I smile giving her a hug.

"Oh definitely,"Beth says all smiles.

"Alright, well we'll see you two... I mean three later, Thank you so much for taking care of the dogs," I smile pulling my coat back on.

"Caitlin, you seriously have the perfect dogs. They are so great, we love having them here. Although poor Zach gets a little jealous of Koda,"she says holding her husbands hand.

I smile at the couple, 'I really want what they have,' I think to myself. I look over at Sidney and he's looking at me, as if reading my thoughts.

"Alright, see you two... I mean three later,"I say walking out the door.

"Bye Caitlin, bye Sidney."Beth waves from the door way.

I drive home and it is again pretty quiet, which allows me to think. I really want a family. I already had one with the dogs, but I needed a human partner. Sid really has been a rock for me these past couple days. My thoughts wander, thinking of what it would be like being married to him and having his kids. The image is to my surprise, extremely clear. Sid and I living in a house with kids and dogs running all over the place. Boy, would they ever be athletic kids. I get out of the car and let the dogs out. I'm so happy to be home and the dogs are too as they run around the yard checking out all the smells.

"Well thanks for giving me the ride," Sid says interrupting my thoughts.

"No problem,"I frown upon seeing him turn to walk away,"Sid what's the problem, you seem kinda distant."

"Nothing I'm fine," he says stopping and staring at the ground.

"Sid, you made me talk to you, now talk to me." I frown crossing my arms.

"I can't do this, right now," he says quietly.

September 21, 2008 at Sunday, September 21, 2008 , 5 Comments

Chapter 30: Spaghetti

'Spaghetti?' I think to myself, still sitting in his bed. I can smell a fragrance wafting from downstairs. I sniff again opening my eyes,

"Yup, definitely spaghetti," I say aloud. I sit up in bed and find that Bran, Hawkeye, and Flash are laying around me, seemingly awaiting for me to wake up. Upon seeing me sit up Flash gets up and licks my face.

"Thanks Flash,"I say giggling. He calms down and my dogs look at me, patiently waiting for me to move.

"You guys are the best, you know that? You all did awesome this week," I say petting each one of them, "Thanks for being there with me."

Then I think back to my little explosion before, how Sidney just stood there and let me yell at him, let me get everything out, then comforted me. Maybe he could be there for me, I couldn't not have him there anymore, that would hurt just as much as losing him.

'I need him in my life, for good,' I think to myself.

I get up to go down stairs, finding that my muscles aren't screaming at me like they were. They are definitely yelling at me, but they aren't trying to stop me from moving like before. 'I need to tell him,' I think. I happen to walk past the mirror and groan in horror. I am a mess. My face is all puffy from crying, and my hair is a tangled mess. I need another shower. I quickly hop into the shower yet again, getting my hair so that I can at least run a brush through it. I jump back out, wrapping myself in a towel, I go into to Sid's room to look in his drawers for clothes. I pull out a new pair of boxers and a Reebok t-shirt. However, before I can change there is a knock on the door. It carefully opens and Sidney walks in carrying a tray with food on it.

"Hey," I smile.

"Hey, you're up," he smiles shyly, his eyes traveling the length of my body.

"Yeah, whatcha got there?"

"Umm..." he says staring at me,"Spaghetti."

"Mmm... my favorite," I say licking my lips, having fun teasing him. Sure enough his eyes move to my lips, and then back down my body, making me warm up under his gaze. I laugh as he coughs and puts the tray down on the dresser. "Are the dogs outside?"

"Yeah, I just let them out. I've got a pretty big yard, plus they're your dogs so they should be fine,"He says not looking at me.

"Look Sid, I'm really sorry I exploded at you before. I didn't want everything to come out, it just kinda did," I say avoiding his gaze feeling him look up at me.

"It's okay, I want you to know that I'll be there for you. You don't have to be on your own. I know I've hurt you before, but I'm not going to make that mistake again,"He says stepping close to me and cupping my face in his hands.

"Sidney, I'm sorry. And I do," I say looking into his hazel eyes, that are turning into a warm Carmel color. God I loved those eyes, you could see the flecks of gold in them and they sometimes change colors, showing his mood.

"You do, what?" He says glancing down at my mouth with a smile, knowing exactly what I mean, but making me say it anyway.

"I love you, Sidney," I breath.

"Now was that really so hard?" he growls before his mouth crashes down on mine, causing an explosion.

It's not like the sweet gentle kiss that we had under the mistletoe, oh no, this was hot, greedy, and hungry. His lips bruise mine in a mind blowing kiss. His tongue stabs into my mouth wrestling with my own tongue, I nip at his tongue as his hands find the fold in my towel. His hands pushes it aside and it falls to the floor. His mouth hot and insistent on mine as his hands move around my body, I ache for him to touch me. In one fluid movement he lifts my hips and sets me on the low dresser, next to the food, without breaking the kiss. I find the hem of his t-shirt and break the kiss to pull it over his head, both of us breathing heavily.

Instead of him finding my mouth again he kisses my neck and down my collar bone as he runs his palms over my aching breasts. His lips lower and kiss the under side of my breast before his hot mouth clamps down on my taunt nipple. Arching my back to give him better access, I thread my fingers through his dark curly hair and let out a low moan of pleasure. Who knew that he could be so rough... not that I was complaining.

Bringing his mouth up to mine again, he steps between my thighs and I wind my legs around his slim hips, and he lifts me off the dresser. Still wrapped around him, I grind my hips into him impatiently, feeling how wet I am against his rock hard abs he groans aloud. His hands travel up my legs, I groan into his mouth in anticipation, waiting for him to touch me, his big hands to cup me, and those big fingers to find just the right spot to drive me over the edge. But then his hand hits the dark purple bruise on my leg, and I yelp in pain. It's then I realize how much my muscles are screaming at me. My legs aching and my arms feel as though they could fall off at any moment.

"Are you okay?" he asks concern evident in his husky voice. One minute he is a rough, wild man giving into his passion and needs, then as though my yelp brought him back to reality, he becomes his sweet, sensitive self. I open my eyes to find him gazing at me, his eyes lusty and feverish, but still full of worry.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I lie, not wanting for this to end, I lean in to kiss him.

But he backs away,"No, you're not. We need to stop, before I can't."

"You can't stop now! I'll be fine."

"Yeah, when you're not thinking about it. But if I do what I want with you, you'll wake up unable to move,"he grins devilishly.

"You can't just stop something you've started," I say pouting, giving him the puppy dog look.

"Sorry, you'll have to wait until you're all better," he grins.

"Is that a promise," I purr seductively, digging my fingertips slightly into his shoulders.

"Most definitely," he chuckles before gently kissing my lips. I take the opportunity to make it a little bit more, and before he realizes it my tongue is exploring his mouth. He groans as his hands move down my bare back and onto my hips, pushing me into him, allowing me to feel exactly what I am doing to him. My hands come up from his broad shoulders and I play with the hair curling at the back of his neck. Suddenly, something snaps him back and he breaks away.

"Damn, you're good,"he groans,"I'm going to have to take about a dozen cold showers now."

"Thanks, you're not so bad yourself," I wink.

"Come on, we need to stop, I don't want to hurt you even more,"he groans.

"Oh, alright. But you owe me big time, Crosby. It's damn hard to stop something once you get started," I grumble.

"Don't I know it," he sighs under his breath.

Slowly, I untangle my legs and slide down his body, partly because I don't want this to end, and partly because I'm so incredibly stiff I can't move any faster. He groans as I slide down him and as soon as I'm on the floor he steps away. Then it kinda hits me, after all I haven't eaten in over 24 hours.

"So, you mentioned Spaghetti?" I ask pulling on some clothes.

September 13, 2008 at Saturday, September 13, 2008 , 5 Comments

Chapter 29: Flipping the Switch

Sorry, it took so long. I was going a totally different way with this chapter, but didn't like it, and wrote the whole thing over again to create this. This was a tough chapter to write, being that I have never done an avalanche rescue before, and especially not one of this magnitude. I hope you like it, and if you have any ideas for the future, feel free to let me know. Thanks again for being so patient, my life has been a little crazy.

"Sid, I ..."I say quietly, looking down to the tile floor, "I can't"

"What do you mean?"

"You, me, we can't do this. It's..." I begin.

He lifts my chin gently so I will look at him.

"I didn't ask you if you could or couldn't. Do you love me?"he asks again, his voice husky and his breath tickling my lips.

He is so close to me, his thighs in line with mine, and his hips pressed into mine. His arm slides around my waist, bringing me as close to him as possible as his thumb traces my jaw line, like he did the last time he kissed me. I look into his Carmel eyes and a shiver goes up my spine. He leans into kiss me, but of course, somehow I still have the presence of mind to think. I gently put my fingers on his lips stopping him, biting my lip and hating myself as I do it.

"Sid, we can't," I whisper.

His eyes immediately open, and a million emotions seem to pass through them, so quickly that I'm unable to identify them. Was that hurt I just saw, anger?

"We can't do this, not now, not after you just broke up with Victoria," I continue, hating myself all the way.

"Why not?" he asks pain evident in his voice, although he tries to cover it. The sound of it breaking my scarred heart.

"The media would have a frenzy over it, and I just can't do it right now. Maybe sometime but not now, I need time to think." I say willing my voice not to waver.

"What is there to think about? I broke up with Victoria because I knew she wasn't the one, you are. And I know you love me, I don't see what the problem is," he says struggling to find the words.

"Sid, I know you may not want to hear it, but here it goes. You broke my heart, first when you left, and then when I found out you were engaged to Victoria. And right now, I am just... just so exhausted, both physically and mentally. I just need sometime to get back to work and get my life back on track, especially after this week," I say allowing myself to think back to the trip, which I usually try to block out from my mind when it goes badly.

The thoughts rush back to me. 'I need to be with my dogs,' I think, knowing that only they know how hard this week was, they're my rock. I turning away from him and quickly slipping the clothes on that he left on the sink.

"Caitlin, wait. If you would just talk to me," he says gently grabbing my arm to stop me.
I pause and take a deep breath.

"Sid, I do want to talk, but not yet, I need sometime. I need sometime to forget somethings."

"You can tell me, I know what it's like to push yourself. Physically I do it all the time, and the media can be a real test on my emotional fitness..." he begins, trying to relate to me.

The thought of him thinking he even come close to relating to what happened this week gets my blood boiling.

"You think you know what it's been like?! Sid, you have no idea!" I shout at him."Your work outs and hockey games are nothing like being out in the bitter cold for at least ten hours at a time. I worked in snow on average that was knee deep with out a snow board or snow shoes. I was literally on my feet all day, and by the time I got a sleep break, I was ready to collapse. And the media, the media doesn't even come close! You have no idea what I've gone through this week!" I say continuing to shout at him, as he just stands there looking at me.

"Well, I would if you weren't so damn stubborn and brave all the time. I can be here for you, you don't have to take this on alone," his voice slightly rising.

"Sidney, I have to be brave, if I don't tell you I won't break down, because I won't have to remember. I don't want to remember, I don't want to tell you because it will make me remember! " I scream. Then suddenly, as if someone has flipped a switch, I remember everything... everything I've tried so hard to forget.

"Do you have even the faintest idea what it's like, working outside in the cold, wet snow everyday, knowing that the only people you're going to find are dead!" I yell at him, swallowing the tears that are threatening to break. "Did you know that if you're buried alive in the snow, that you only have about 30 minutes before all your air runs out. I arrived at the sight, 39 hours after the avalanche took place, 39 hours! There was no chance of me finding someone alive. There was no chance for the town," I continue starting to quiet down and unable to stop the memories from popping into my head, tears forming in my eyes.

"In a weeks time, the dogs and I found 14 people, the most of any rescue team. Bran found 7, Hawkeye found 4, and Flash found 3. Not one of them was alive. Not one," I whisper, remembering the horror of finding a frozen body, "I was handling everything well, until we found the 11th victim. I remember following the dogs around, and Flash was checking something out when I heard Bran bark. I looked at him, and saw that he had found something and was trying to dig it out. I grabbed my shovel, digging with him, knowing that he had found something... someone. About 4 feet down, we found her." I say, continuing my story without really meaning to, my voice starting to crack, and tears breaking loose. "She was in a little pink snow suit, with a blue hat. She looked fairly peaceful compared to some of the others, with their eyes flung open in terror, looking into nothingness. Thank God hers were closed, she looked like she was just asleep in the snow. She was basically frozen solid, it had already been 5 days. So I called the paramedics, because they were collecting the bodies. They put her in the van with some others and hauled her off, and I had to push myself to keep working. Push her out of my mind for the next 6 hours. I got back and found out that she was the youngest victim, her mom was crying when she I.D.ed her, apparently she had lost her husband too. I went to my room unfeeling, pushing it to the back of my mind. I never want to think of that again," I go on, bawling now.

"Babe..." Sidney whispers, waiting patiently for me to finish.

"She was only 3," I sob, completely breaking down, the emotion that I didn't want him to see coming out. I stand helplessly, unable to control myself, the weight of all that happened coming on me like the avalanche, sudden and full force. I knew it was only a matter of time, although I didn't think it would be this bad, that's why I wanted to be alone.

Suddenly I realize that I'm wrapped in Sidney's arms. I think of resisting, not wanting him to see me like this, but he has a strong but gentle hold on me. I give up and cry into his broad chest, feeling safe in his strong arms. He plants kisses in my hair, and tries to soothe me. I do love him. I don't think I could ever love anyone as much as I love him, but I don't want to get hurt, not again.

Sid's POV

She stood there yelling at me, and at first I didn't know why. But then everything just seemed to spill out. She stood there in my t-shirt and boxers, sobbing uncontrollably, shaking her head from side to side, her wet hair whipping around her face. She was even beautiful when she looked her worst. I waited for her to finish, and she stood there helplessly.

I wanted to take on her pain for her, let her forget, but I know that those images will probably be burned into her memory. I want to help her, not knowing exactly how. I quietly walk over to her, afraid that she will lash out at me. I carefully take her in my arms, at first she stiffens and I think she is about to push me away. When suddenly she melts, she cries into my chest, unable to stop herself. I'm baffled, she always seems so strong and I know she needs to feel in control of herself.

She stands in my arms, completely helpless. She has cried in my arms before, but not like this. This event was truly traumatizing to her, and I could see why. I can't imagine going through what she went through. I know she wants to leave, that she was feeling weak and she hated it. But I held her tight, knowing that I couldn't leave her, not again. I gently kiss her hair, smelling my own shampoo in it's wetness. Over the week it seems that she has gotten thinner and packed on more muscle, and I now understand why. Even though she's lost weight, she still fits into me like a puzzle piece, as if she was meant to be in my arms all along.

"I should have never let you leave the beach," I murmur, unsure that she can hear me.

Slowly, she starts to calm down, and I can tell that she is now almost as exhausted as last night.

"Come on, you need to sleep some more," I say gently, picking her limp body up and carrying her to my bed. I lay her gently in the bed, and she looks up at me from puffy eyes, tears still present on her cheeks, and her breath still shaky.

"Thanks Sid," she smiles weakly at me, "I'm sorry, I just erupted like that."

"You don't need to apologize. You needed to get that stuff out, now go to sleep," I say before gently brushing my lips against hers. But as soon as I look at her again, she's asleep.

I lay beside her and pull her next to me, she fits right into me, meant to be there. I brush her tangled hair back from her face, and watch her sleep for a few minutes before giving into my want to sleep too.

"I love you," I whisper in her ear before drifting off to sleep.

September 10, 2008 at Wednesday, September 10, 2008 , 4 Comments

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Discovering...Love? by AS is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.