I whimper slightly, pressing my face in to Finn’s coarse white fur. I was fighting back tears and feeling slightly nauseous. I was so overwhelmed with my nervousness and I know it wouldn’t go well. I just knew.
A few of the dogs bark excitedly looking out the window, their tails beginning to wag. Maggie’s tail wags the fastest before she looks back at me as if to say,
“He’s home!”
Suddenly, they rush to the front door as I straighten myself on the couch. I quickly try to calm myself down, trying to wipe away the tears that were on the verge of falling. I was excited that he was here, but dreading it at the same time. If he was home it meant that practice was over and we were going to meet his parents and Taylor for brunch. I hear him greet all the dogs at the door before he walks into the living room with a huge grin.
“Hey,” he says cheerfully coming over to me.
I smile weakly as he sits down on the couch next to me, kissing my cheek.
“Hi,” I manage to squeak out, but it comes out slightly cracked. I hold my breath hoping he won’t notice.
He pulls away slightly, a frown on his face as he looks at me worriedly, a wave of panic washing over his face.
“What’s wrong? Is the baby ok?”
“Yeah, the baby’s fine.”
“Then what’s wrong? You look like you’re about to cry,” he pushes, the panic was gone from his hazel eyes and now a worried look replaced it as he tucked a strand of hair behind my ear.
Damned my big brown eyes, they gave away my emotions too easily sometimes. And with my hormones being all over the place, I couldn’t hide the emotion as well anymore.
“It’s nothing,” I sniff.
“Caitlin, what’s wrong?” he asks firmly, looking me in the eye.
“It’s just… I feel so overwhelmed. Your father hates me because I’m gonna make your life even harder because I’m huge and fat and pregnant,” I sniff the tears starting to fall, “as if you didn’t have enough on your place as is. Now you have to deal with me being pregnant and emotionally unstable. And he’s gonna think it’s all my fault and then he’s going to hate the baby because she and I ruined your life, “ I whimper.
“Oh babe,” he groans pulling me into him, my head tucking perfectly under his chin, “You didn’t ruin my life.”
“Yes, I did,” I whimper, “I kept pushing you away and now your stuck with me. I’m pathetic.”
“You are not. You are what I was missing in my life, you made it better. I still can’t believe that I got so lucky! And as for being stuck with you I’m glad I am, I wouldn’t want to be with anybody else,” he says softly into my hair.
“But your dad…”
“My dad is an ass sometimes. He doesn’t realize that I need more than hockey in my life. I didn’t realize it for a while, but after I met you I realized that there is more to life than playing hockey. You and the baby are what I want. How many times do I have to say that before you believe it? Caitlin, I love you. We’re going to be fine,” he says rubbing soothing circles on my back.
We sit in the silence for a little bit, and I replay the conversation we were just having. It wasn’t a new topic, I had been feeling 2 inches tall since I got to Pittsburgh and I’ve been running since Victoria strutting in after the game to tell me Sid had cheated on me. I had been and still was so emotional, so weak, so… so…. Not me! Where the hell did the strong woman go? Why did I feel like I had to be meek and hide from everyone? When and how did I get this way? This wasn’t me.
“Ugh! I hate this!” I groan loudly, pulling away from him.
“Hate what?” he says alarmed and confused.
“I mean don’t get me wrong, I love the baby and I love that I’m having your kid, but I HATE being this emotional! I don’t feel like myself. I feel girly and vulnerable and …”
“I kinda think that comes with the whole being pregnant thing, babe,” he smiles at me warmly.
“Well this part sucks! And I’m done! I’m done crying about nothing, I’m done worrying about what other people think. This is one of the best things that has ever happened to me, and I refuse to believe otherwise!” I say firmly, it was as if someone flipped a switch.
“I feel so insecure all the time, I have since Bran died and I’m sick of it! I’m not me! I’m becoming the person I told myself I would never be. How did I let this happen?” I ask exasperated, standing up. A very confused and shocked Sidney looked up at me as if trying to catch up with my total 180.
“Babe, you have been through a lot in the past couple months and Bran was so much a part of your life...”
“Yes, but he wouldn’t want this for me. I can’t train dogs like this. How can I help to control dogs if I can’t even control myself?! I have been hiding with my tail between my legs for too long. I’m done at being ashamed and scared. I want to be who I grew up to be. I want to feel like I used to feel, get out of this abyss of self-pity and doubt. I’m done hiding my pregnancy; I’m done wallowing around all day. I miss me, the real me. I felt like have just become so weak, running away from everything,” I say starting to calm down and settle back down, “I haven’t been the girl you met on the beach. The girl you lived next door to last year. I’ve been this meek, little girl and I’m sick of it! I’m done hiding and I’m done crying!”
I smile to myself; I could feel my old self seeping back in. The power of self-confidence rushing through my vein in an almost warming effect, like sitting in the sunlight. I could feel my old self returning. The girl who didn’t runaway, the one who stood her ground. The one who wore her scars proudly, the one who loved the way she look, no matter what everyone else said. I was a leader, the alpha of my pack. I was back.
All of a sudden I feel his lips crash down on mine in fiery passion. His hand coming up to the back of my neck and his fingers winding in my hair to push my lips against his. The uncontrolled and wild side of him coming out in the kiss as his mouth worked over mine. Teeth scrape and tongues tangle as we fight each other for control. It feels as though fire is burning in the pit of my stomach and an ache begins between my thighs as I slide my fingers up the back of his scalp. Someone lets out a low feral moan, but I’m not sure who, it could be the both of us. As he pushes me back into the cushions, he finds some control, pressing into me gently; probably afraid he will squish the baby, as his hand travels up my jean covered leg.
He pulls away breathing heavily, a grin plastered on his face as he stares into my eyes. His hazel eyes swarming with colors of green and gold. This is the first time we had lost control in awhile. The first time we had let out hormones take over in months and damn did it feel good.
“Welcome back, my little warrior,” he whispers against my neck; using the old nickname he had given me.
I pull away from him, throwing my head back and letting the laugh bubble up from inside me. My loud untamed laughter echoing through the living room.
“God, I love you,” I grin back at him, before connecting my mouth to his again. The passion no longer an untamed fire, but still a steady flame.
I walk down the steps in a pair of dark jeans and a silky olive green tank top that flowed perfectly over my stomach, almost completely concealing my new ‘outie’ belly button... almost. I put a dark blue cardigan sweater overtop that used to button up the front, but not anymore. My hair was down in slight waves and hit just above my shoulder, faming my face perfectly which was polished off with a tad bit of blush, mascara, and a subtle olivey green eyeshadow. Usually an occasion such as this warranted a cute pair of heels or at least high-heeled boots. But my shoes had seemingly been shrinking in size lately, limiting me to a pair of chocolate brown clogs. Plus all of my high heels were hidden away in the back of my closet for the next few months.
Sid looks up at me with a grin and the sparkle in his eye told me a sarcastic comment was headed my way.
“What?” I ask, putting a hand on my hip as I wait for him to reach me at the bottom of the steps.
“It’s just…” he sighs, shaking his head with a smirk, “Five and a half months pregnant and I still feel as though I have to bring a hockey stick with me to ward off guys that would gladly steal you away from me.”
“You're such a charmer, Crosby,” I reply sarcastically, rolling my eyes, before leaning into him briefly and pressing a soft kiss to his pillowy lips.
“You ready to do this? To face the angry bull?” he asks, raising an eyebrow.
“Hell, yeah,” I grin.
I felt sexy and confident in this outfit, and I was not going back to the place I had just escaped from. I was not going to let myself fall into the abyss again. No matter how scary the though of facing Troy Crosby was. I was pregnant, 22 weeks pregnant to be exact, and there was nothing Troy Crosby could do about it. I was going to be a mom, and I was excited as hell. If he didn’t want to be a grandfather than tough shit.
I giggle to myself at my last comment, but my mind had to be set like this or I would never survive.
“Let’s go get ‘em Tiger,” I purr, linking my arm in Sid’s as I press against him slightly.
He let’s out a chuckle, before pressing a kiss to my temple, “I’m so glad you’re back, babe.”
“OH MY GOD! YOU LOOK ADORABLE!” Natalie Lemieux and Trina Crosby seem to squeal at the same time as Sid and I walk out of their house and onto their back patio.
They both quickly rise and come rushing toward me, I bite my lip trying to hold back a smile, but give up and let myself giggle as they each give me a hug and turn to Sid and give him a hug.
“Well, thank you,” I smile.
“Ok now, let us look at you…” Nat says.
I laugh and smooth my shirt and clasp my hands underneath of my stomach so that my obvious pregnancy is even more obvious.
“Now to the side,” Trina smiles.
I laugh and do as I’m told so that they can take in my profile.
They begin the chatter about shopping for baby clothes and names and all of that stuff as Sid and I approach the table where Mario sits smiling at us and Troy Crosby looks less than thrilled.
“Well, well, well, isn’t someone glowing,” Mario smiles getting up and giving me a hug.
“Thanks,” I smile.
“I was talking about Sid,” he smiles down at me mischief dancing in his blue eyes.
I let out a loud laugh, “Oh, my mistake.”
“Caitlin you look amazing, I hear it’s a girl,” he smiles.
“Yup!” I respond enthusiastically.
“Name?”
“Nope!” I respond in the same way.
He lets out a loud laugh and puts a hand on my shoulder.
“You have time, you have time.”
“So I’ve heard,” I sigh, sending a wink Sid’s way.
The women chatter to each other as Sid and Mario talk about some new banner they were hanging up in the Consol Energy Center. Meanwhile, Troy Crosby and I have a staring contest. His face is almost unreadable, as his eyes dare me to think of something to say and break the ice. I smirk and take the challenge.
“So… Troy…” I begin purposefully using his first name, like he had told me to the last time I saw him, “Excited to be a grandfather?”
The chatter quickly dies out as they all hold their breath for the answer. Sid especially, seems to be preparing for the worse.
Troy Crosby looks at me evenly, I can tell choosing his words wisely before he speaks,
“Not particularly thrilled that it is happening so soon,” he says slowly.
“But it is,” I state bluntly, to which Sid puts a hand on my knee under the table.
I see the muscle in Troy’s jaw flinch as he looks around the table. He wouldn’t dare say what was on his mind so long as Sid was here to stand up for me and the baby or Mario was here to keep him calm.
“Mr. Crosby,” I pipe up, reverting back to the formal, “I suggest we take a walk.”
Sid whips his head to look over at me in surprise, I’m pretty sure I’ve taken everyone aback by that statement, including Mr. Crosby. But he quickly recovers and nods, getting up from the table. I follow suit and excuse myself from the table.
Sid gets up and gently grasps my arm before I can walk away.
“What are you doing?” he whispers in my ear.
“Sid, I need to know, what he thinks. I need to be able to hear his opinion, no matter how much it might sting. And he isn’t going to be entirely truthful with all of these people here. Just trust me,” I whisper back, before pressing a kiss to his jaw and following Troy Crosby down the path and out into the street.
As soon as we’re on the street and out of earshot I speak up.
“Alright, now tell me what you really think.”
He chuckles and puts his hands in his pockets.
“Ahhh… what I think…” he sighs looking up at the sky, “Well… I think that this is a mistake.”
“How so?”
“I know the pregnancy is legitimate, in other words, I’m damned sure it is indeed my son’s child,” he begins, keeping his eyes trained on the road.
“But?”
“It should have never happened. Not like this. Sidney was supposed to be married when he had children; he was supposed to ‘plan’ to have kids. Not like this. Not when his ‘girlfriend’ leaves him without so much as a word and then a few months later spills that she’s pregnant with their daughter,” his voice rising slightly.
“So is it me that you have a problem with? Was I not the plan?” I ask slowly, looking at him to set things straight.
He sighs before continuing slowly.
“No, you were not.”
No matter how much I have built up myself confidence today, no matter how much I was back to my old self. His answer stung. And how could it not? I was not part of the perfect plan for his son. The plan that, until I had come into the picture, was working out so perfectly. Youngest NHL Captain, youngest Captain to win the Stanley Cup, scoring the game winning goal to win the gold medal for Canada, being Canada’s golden boy, being the face of the NHL.
The stubborn, outspoken, average looking girl, from some little unknown town near Pittsburgh that trained dogs for a living was not in the plan. And why should it be? Everything in Sid’s life had been extraordinary, but I was just ordinary. I could blend into a crowd. I had a job that many looked down on, no matter how good I was at it. I wasn’t the trophy, blond hair, blue-eyed, hockey wife. I was the brown haired, brown-eyed, woman who cared just as much about her job as her partner. I was NOT part of the plan.
I take in a shaky breath, calming myself and reminding myself of my accomplishments. I could almost feel Bran next to me, pushing me away from the abyss I was teetering over.
“I see,” I say clearing my throat and speaking normally.
“Caitlin, you weren’t part of the plan, but that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. You help keep him grounded. You remind him how important hockey is to him when he sees how important dogs are to you. I didn’t see it at first, but now I do,” he says slowly, looking over at me, “You are what he needs.”
I smile at him shyly at his proclamation; I had not been expecting to hear that. Not in a million years.
“But, under the circumstances, things have become a little … difficult,” he says slowly, “Because you were gone for awhile and then just show up again claiming to have Sid’s baby… it makes things complicated.”
“Well what do you want me to say? I got lost in the woods but I found my way back?” I ask, looking at him incredulously.
“I need you to marry him,” he says stopping to look at him.
I’m taken aback by his solution, and it takes me a minute to find my voice.
“Excuse me?”
“I need you two to get married, it would help with the media and his image.”
“Troy… you may be Sid’s father, but don’t make me punch you,” I say taking a step back.
“Caitlin, you have to be reasonable. You haven’t been together in months and now you just show up with this?” he gestures to my stomach.
“ 'This’ happens to be your granddaughter. And the answer is no,” I say turning to walk back to the house.
“Caitlin…” he says walking to catch up with me.
“No. If and when Sid and I get married, I’m NOT doing it to protect his image. When I was younger there are some things I said I would never do, but life has altered that. But marrying for love is one thing I’m sticking to. I won’t marry Sid just to help what I know is a media nightmare.”
“I thought you did love him.”
“I do,” I say firmly, looking him in the eye.
“Than I don’t see a problem,” he matter of factly.
“No. If I marry him, I need to be sure that I can do this forever, and right now, I can’t trust him with forever.”
“Well you two already have a child, that’s a life right there.”
“I said no. I need to be able to trust him,” I say before walking up the driveway to the house.
“How do we know if you’ll ever trust him, again?” he calls after me.
I stop and turn to face him.
“When I say, ‘Yes’.”
I watch from the back, a guy with a head set on and holding a clipboard stood beside me and some of the guys were in the back. I was tucked away unseen just like he wanted me, but still observing what was going on.
I bite my lip nervously as I watch him walk up the stairs to the stage where the table was. Cameras flashing, red lights blinking to begin recording, and papers russling as he takes his seat and they ready for what he has to say. A quiet murmur can be heard around the room, no doubt wondering what the press conference was about. He sat there in a dark charcoal sweater that was unzipped at his throat, his hair neatly pressed into a slight faux hawk (just as I said I like it). I let out a deep breath, that I realized I had been holding in. An arm drapes across my shoulder and pulls me into a rock hard body. I try to relax into him, but I can’t.
“It’s going to be ok,” Kris whispers in my ear.
“I hope so,” I whisper back
He clears his throat and I can see him figet with the water bottle cap. No one else might be able to tell, but I could. He wipes his palms on his jeans as all quiets down, he was nervous.
“Thank you all for being here today. I called this press conference because I wanted the truth to come from me and not to be leaked out and spread without warning. This was something I couldn’t hide, nor do I want to hide it. I was given the news a few months ago, and I think it’s time I shared it. This is quite possibly one of the best things that has ever happened to me, and I would appreciate it if both myself and, especially, the people involved were treated with the utmost respect,” he speaks with his press like voice to the reporters, trying not to convey his nervous emotions.
“Caitlin Shaw and I, “ he states, quickly glancing over at me with a smile, “Are expecting a baby girl.”
8 Comments to "Chapter 84: Out of the Abyss"