I watch as the milk makes a spiral in the hot dark brown liquid. Could I? Should I? Would I? I gently stir my concoction around in the porcelain mug, the metal spoon clinking on the sides of the cup.
“Caitlin, will you please say something? You haven’t said a word since we got to the house, just ‘Do you want a cup of tea?’” he says quietly, looking at me from across the old wooden table. Maggie had her head in is lap and Finn and Ty both lay at my feet alert and ready to jump at any sign of trouble.
“I just don’t think I can Sidney,” I sigh shaking my head.
“Please, if not for you or me, at least for the baby,” he begs, “He or she deserves to have a father.”
“I know, I know. Sidney, I would never deprive you of the baby. It’s just as much yours as, it is mine,” I whisper, threading my fingers through my hair and pushing it out of my face.
He stands up, coming to kneel by my chair. He brings my chin up gently with his warm hand so that I will look him in the eye, his eyes turning a greener color as they silently pleaded with me. Concern and fatigue showed in the rawness of his face. He seemed very tired. I could faintly smell his spicy cologne, more of a comforting smell than I would like to admit. I had never seen him more vulnerable than I was seeing him now, and I doubt that I will ever see him this broken again. At least I hoped I would never see him this broken again, it was almost as painful as me being broken. . . almost.
“Look, I know I’ve hurt you, way too many times. But you can trust me, I will do anything to get you back in my life. Both of you. I’ve already missed what, 4 months of your pregnancy? I don’t want to miss the rest of it. I want to watch you get bigger as my child grows inside you. I want to be there when he or she is born. I want to go to all the doctor’s appointments from here on out. I will be there every moment that my schedule allows for.”
“But what about me, Sid? What about what I want?” I ask quietly, “I want you to be there, I do. But I have a life in Utah now. I love my job there; I’m actually making a difference there. These dogs, they can be adopted after I help get them straightened out. Here I was just training dogs. The dogs at Best Friends really need my training.”
“You were making a difference here. You were helping train people and their dogs so that they didn’t need to be “fixed.” You saved Sam. Caitlin, if you hadn’t adopted him he would be dead. But instead he is one of Tanger’s best friends. You helped my sister get over her fear of dogs. You helped me open my eyes to what a dog could be, and to what a partnership was without ever being in one. You had the perfect relationship,” he whispers.
“What partnership? I didn’t have a partner,” I say confused. No one worked with me but Mary, but she was just my secretary. I inhale sharply, “Bran?”
“Bran. Bran was your partner. It seemed like I was always living in his shadow, and for once I was jealous of someone else, and that someone was a dog. I felt like I could never measure up to him, because he was always there for you. Always putting you first.”
“Why didn’t you tell me about this sooner?” I ask.
“Because it just would have started a fight. There was really nothing that could be done about it, he was who you really loved,” he smiles weakly at me.
“Yes, but I loved you too,” I shook my head at him.
“But he was first. Looking back I can understand why, but I was just never very good at sharing or being in second place. Plus, Bran helped me too. I knew you would be safe with him. I mean, sure you have all the dogs, but Bran would have done anything for you. Caitlin, I’ve seen married couples with less of a connection than you had with Bran.”
I nod, the tears falling faster now.
“I’m so sorry you lost him, Caitlin. I know how much he meant to you,” Sid says, using his thumbs to catch the tears that had begun falling from my cheeks.
“Why did all of this happen? All at one, it was so overwhelming, with Bran, then you, and then the baby,” I whimper, before I’m pulled up from my chair and in to his arms. His solid muscle next to my softer curves. . It seemed that he had packed on more muscle, since I had left. But it wasn’t his body that I was so thrilled with being pressed against mine. It was him, all of him. It felt … excuse the cliché… like heaven. It felt like I was finally back where I was meant to be. Someone that understood, someone that knew how much I was hurting. I knew other people knew what I had been going through and Tanger had one of the best pair of shoulders to cry on, but here felt like I was home. His strong arms around me, protecting me. As ironic as that sounded.
“That’s what you had to tell me that night, isn’t it? About the baby?” he asks, his chin resting on my head as he continued to hug me.
I nod, unable to say anything.
I hear him sigh, before he says, “I’m so sorry babe.”
All I can do is nod as I feel more tears welling up, but I’ve cried enough. Actually more than enough, but my unbalanced hormones made it easy to cry more than I liked. I pull away from him and sigh, grabbing my tea off the table before walking downstairs to sit in a comfier chair. I curl up in my Granddad’s big lazy boy, hugging my warm cup of tea. Sid follows my lead, sitting in the rocking chair next to it. Maggie follows him and putting her head in his lap again so that he could pet her, making me chuckle.
“She missed you,” I smile at him.
He smiles looking down at her.
“Yeah, I missed her too. I didn’t have anyone to take my pregame nap with.”
I smile and look out the window, looking as leaves swirl around in the blustery weather.
“When are you going back to Utah?” he asks quietly.
“Day after tomorrow. I have to get back to work,” I say looking over to him, my eyes staring into his.
“Could you not? “
“I don’t know Sid…” I sigh, my hands coming up to massage my temples as I think, “I don’t think we should just start living together again. Right, now I think it would be better to just remain friends. Maybe later… but now, it’s too soon.”
“Caitlin, I don’t want you living so far away. What if something happens? It’s a long flight to Utah,” he questions.
“I know, but…”
“I don’t want to miss anything more. I’ve already missed four months. I want you to be here with me.”
“Sid, it’s not that I don’t see things from your point of view, but…” I sigh, I was getting a headache, it has been a long day and it was only 12:30. “Look, I just need to think about some things, ok?”
He nods.
“I need to get going. But I want to see you again before you leave,” he says getting up.
“Ok,” I whisper getting up. He walks over to me cupping my face in his hands. His touch gentle and protective, making me melt.
“We still need to figure things out before you leave. Please don’t just leave again, and if I call promise me you’ll pick up the phone,” he says, looking me in the eye, silently begging me.
“Ok,” I nod, “I have to go say bye to Beth and Kris tomorrow, so we can meet up in Pittsburgh.”
He just nods looking into my eyes, “I love you,” he whispers, the sincerity in his eyes is enough to make my breath catch. His one hand drops to my stomach, covering the small bump with his hand in a protective manner. “Both of you.”
All I can do is nod as tears well up in my eyes. I was unsure I would ever hear those words, but I couldn’t reciprocate them. I did love him, but I was afraid if I spoke my feelings everything would just end up like it had. I couldn’t handle that, not again.
He kisses my forehead and walks out the door and crosses the patio to the bridge, climbing the stone stairs to his car and finally driving away down the road. Leaving me to think of all the events that had just occurred.
How did this all happen? It seemed like everything was dumped on me at once, and I just didn’t know how to feel anymore. I am so confused, about everything. I had always been so sure of my life, so secure in my routines. Sure they changed from time to time. But it seemed as though my life had been turned upside down in the past few months. I was fighting desperately to keep my head above water and right myself, but I was exhausted.
I had always been so sure of myself, so sure of the person I was, and how strong I was. But now… now, I just didn’t know anymore. I didn’t know if I could be with Sid again, the way he wants us to be. I was unsure if I could be a single mother, hell, I didn’t WANT to be a single mother. Plus I didn’t want the baby to grow up without a father and I didn’t want Sidney to be deprived of his child. And even then, do I leave Utah. Do I leave my dream job and all that I have worked for? This was the job I had dreamed about since I was little, and I never thought it would be made a reality. And now here it was, I was working just as I wanted to and I loved it. But now, I felt as though I had to give it up. Give up my dreams for life. When you’re young, it’s as if everything will work out, that you have your dreams and you know you are going to conquer them. But what happens when life gets in the way? Even though I had 5 more months to officially meet my child, his or her life was more important. But even still, could I move back to Pittsburgh? I couldn’t be the stay at home mom. I would go insane! I needed my work, I needed my dogs. I’m so confused. I have no idea what to do.
And then there is telling everyone. I had told my family of course, and Beth and Kris knew. I had finally told the person who matters most, the father of the child. But when the father of your child is labeled as “Canada’s Golden Boy” and the “Face of the NHL” how do you tell, not only his family and the Penguins Organization, but the whole world that Sidney Crosby was about to be a father to a child conceived out of wedlock? I can see the chat rooms now, calling me a whore and a slut. Questions would undoubtedly surface as to whether the child was Sid’s or not, especially since I had disappeared almost 4 months ago. Not to mention that I had just gotten on good terms with his father before I had left.
What were we going to do? What was I going to do?
“RUFF!”
I jump as Flash’s urgent bark snaps me out of my thoughts. All the dogs were waiting by the door, apparently needing out.
“Oops, sorry guys,” I laugh, opening the door so that they could go out.
Sid’s POV
A Dad. I was going to be a Dad. I would come home to the pitter-patter of tiny foot-steps. I would take on a new name that I had never been called before, Daddy. I knew it would come with complications, raising a kid was by no means easy. But I had always loved kids, had always wanted to be a father. And now that chance was being made a reality. I tried to picture our child; the kid was doomed to have dark hair, unless Caitlin and I both had a recessive gene for blond. I could picture him or her having big brown eyes, just like his or her mother. God help me if it was a girl, I’d have to beat the boys away from her if she looked anything like her mother.
But what would my parents think? How would I even approach them with this? This was big, really big! Life altering. When I had told them that Caitlin left they weren’t all too thrilled; however, being that I was mostly to blame for her running away, they didn’t hate her. She made a great impression on them when she met them, and hopefully that would help. Hopefully. Then again there was everyone else to think about. Should I keep this under wraps for as long as possible? Could I keep this under wraps for as long as possible? I already wanted to get it out there that I was going to be a father; I wanted to shout it out off the rooftops! But that was completely out of the question, I had to think about my career and I had to think of Caitlin too.
Honestly, I was scared as hell that she was going to leave again. Without a trace and without warning just like last time. I needed her in my life, and the baby put the odds in my favor. I knew she wouldn’t want to deprive the kid of its father or me from my kid, but I didn’t know how this was going to work out. I needed someone to talk to, but who? I couldn’t talk to my parents, that was out of the question at this point in time. Tanger knew and he was a good friend, but he already dealt with this enough. Beth? Beth didn’t really know me that well, or understand my situation. Colby? No, not quite yet, and I think Caitlin would like to see his face. Marc? Jordan? No, Caitlin should be there too. Max... Ha, yeah right. I tap my thumbs on the steering wheel as I think. Looks like I was going back to the one person I knew I could trust.
I pull into the driveway. It was only 4 o’clock, and I hoped he was home from the meeting. I need to talk to someone, and I didn’t want to slip anything to anyone else until I got his opinion.
I walk in the house, kicking off my shoes by the door before heading into the kitchen to grab a bottle of water out of the refrigerator. I walk in to find Mario trying to snatch a piece of cantaloupe out of the fruit salad Nat is making. She playfully smacks his hand away but not before he can snatch a piece and pop it into his mouth with a smile.
“Honestly, Mario, sometimes you’re worse than the kids,” she huffs mixing the fruit salad.
“One of the many reasons you love me,” he grins back wrapping his arms around her and kissing her cheek sweetly, making her smile.
I can only hope that I’m like that one day with my future wife. I had gotten a step further though and knew who I wanted it to be… even if it may never be.
Caitlin’s POV
I knock on the door; hearing excited barking in the background. I chuckle as I hear a soft deep set of words come from the other side of the door, talking to the dog. I couldn’t make out what the words were though; I think they are in French.
The door opens to reveal a man in simple jeans and a t-shirt, with a backwards baseball cap on, keeping his dark hair out of his eyes.
“Hey, come on in,” he smiles at me.
“Hi!” I grin back, stepping into the house, the my pack of dogs following behind me. I bend down to pet the wiggling Rottweiler begging for my attention. “Hi, Sammy!”
After closing the door behind him, Kris pulls me into a big bear hug.
“How have you been? How did it go?”
“Umm… good, I guess. I think. I don’t know,” I sigh, shaking my head.
“Yeah, that’s along the lines of what Sid said,” he chuckles, leading us into the living room.
“How about your family?” he smiles, “How are they? Did you have fun?”
“Yeah, I did! I hardly ever get to see my mom, dad, and brother anymore. I mean, I didn’t see them very often as is, but after I moved, I hardly ever see them,” I smile sadly. I was actually pretty close to especially my mom. It was hard for her, me living so far away and pregnant.
“Yeah, I know how that is,” he smiles sadly back.
There is a comfortable silence between us.
“Are you still leaving tomorrow?” he asks, breaking our silence.
I sigh, I had thought long an hard about it. A part of me, a big part of me, wanted to do the opposite, but I don’t think could.
“Yes.”
I know, I know... yet another heavy chapter. But I promise it's going to get better soon! Thanks for reading!
