The red marble felt cold to the touch, almost like an ice cube. My fingers traveled over the curves of the small vessel, taking in the red color with the complementary gold trim. The hot tears against my cheeks provided a subtle contrast to the cold stone of the urn, the urn that held my best friend. Mike had dropped off Bran’s ashes a few hours ago; they were contained within walls of the marble. The urn itself wasn’t much bigger than a coffee mug, but I told Mike to give me just any urn, even if it was just a simple wooden box. I mean, it’s not like I was going to put it on my mantle, like some pet owners I knew. The only reason I had had him cremated was because I wanted to take him back home and bury him in my grandfather’s field, with the family’s other fallen four-legged friends. But instead of giving me a simple wooden box, Mike gave me this red marble urn, with gold trim. He told me that it was his Christmas present to me. I didn’t know what to say, honestly I didn’t want the extravagant urn, but I gave a hug thanking him sincerely.
I sigh and brush the tears away to look to the hands of the clock on the mantel, 5:30, in the evening mind you. He would be here soon. I hadn’t seen him in forever and I was afraid he was mad at me, for just picking up and leaving. I had so much to tell him, so much to apologize for. He, like most of the other people I had left behind in Pittsburgh, had no idea I was pregnant. What would he think? Would he be mad at me for getting pregnant and not telling Sid? Would he look down on me, think less of me? There were so many times I wanted to call him, but I couldn’t. He was so connected with Sid. I didn’t want to interfere with my ex-boyfriend’s life and I didn’t want Kris to keep secrets from his Captain and friend.
I sigh, cracking my knuckles nervously before getting up to put some music on, I hated the silence. As I walk into the kitchen to turn on my iPod, Finn gets up from his place on the old lazy boy, Bran’s old spot, to follow me into the kitchen. I look through my songs, trying to find what song best complemented my mood. I finally settle on, “On Your Way” by Eastmountainsouth. The song providing a soothing and melancholy tone to complement my current state of life. Sure I as depressed, I felt hurt and unbelievably sad, but at the same time, I couldn’t go on like this. I could only wallow for so long before my mind and body could take no more. I had to move on. There was no way I as going to put on something upbeat like “Walking on Sunshine,” by Katrina and the Waves, I was by no means happy. But I could no longer let myself go to the low of the low, to the darkness of depression. I had to let the sunlight pour through my windows, instead of keeping them covered by the thick dark curtains.
I hear Ty bark and I look out of the kitchen to see the rest of the dogs get up and join him at the front window, barking and tails wagging. I go over to the window to see a strange car in the driveway, but a familiar guy gets out of it. Clad in jeans and a hoodie, his hand brushing his dark hair out of his face. He looked good, which was probably the very opposite of how I looked. In my old college sweatpants and hoodie, I looked like a grey blob. But I looked how I felt, like shit.
I open the door before he can knock. He stops in the doorway and just stares at me, with a smirk on his face.
“Kris… I…” I start, the tears forming in my eyes and my voice cracking.
“Come here,” he commands softly, opening his arms to me.
I step into his arms, finally breaking down completely, sobbing uncontrollably into his shoulder.
“I’m so sorry,” I hiccup after a few moments.
“Shhh… it’s ok,” he murmurs, smoothing my hair and kissing the top of my head.
"No, no it’s not. I just left, I didn’t even say goodbye. And I just call you, what four months later, because I needed you? You didn’t have to come all the way to Utah, I don’t deserve…” I begin pulling away from him and staring at the floor, unable to meet his eyes.
“Stop. Now look at me,” he orders, he puts two fingers under my chin, forcing me to look him in the eye, “You deserve more than this Caitlin. We all understand why you left, Sid told us what he did.”
“But, I shouldn’t have left you guys without saying goodbye,” I shake my head.
“Stop blaming yourself! Like I said, we understand why you left and we’re not mad at you. Now can we at least go sit down or are we going to keep standing in the doorway.
“Sorry,” I smile guiltily, closing the door behind him.
“So, tell me how you have been? How’s the new job? Catch me up on four months of your life,” he smiles sitting down on the couch.
I take a deep breath, I might as well tell him now.
“I have to tell you something. And I’ll understand if you just get up and leave, but you have to understand, I was hurt and I had to leave. And I will tell him…” I begin rambling.
“Caitlin, just tell me. I won’t leave,” he whispers pushing a piece of hair out of my eyes.
I look up to see him smiling at me encouragingly, it was now or never. I take a deep breath, trying to calm myself a little.
“Kris… I… I’m pregnant,” I whisper, looking away from him.
He stares at me in shock, his mouth ajar at the news.
“Kris?”
“Wow, I umm… “ he says pushing a hand through hair, “Is… well… is Sid the father?”
“Yes,” I whisper, tears pushing at my eyes again, “I don’t know what to do. I know I need to tell him, but Kris, I don’t know if I can let him in again. It hurts too much.”
He sighs and looks at me with sympathy.
“You need to tell him Caitlin. He needs to know that he’s a father,” he says steadily.
“I know,” I whisper.
“He’s miserable without you, Ace. All he does is play hockey and train for hockey. It seems like he’s at the rink all the time. He pushes himself too hard. Have you watched any of the games?”
“No, not really. It’s just … with him on the ice…” I admit shamefully. I had been following the Pens like I always had, but I couldn’t watch the games anymore. It was just too painful, watching him and thinking about how broken he had left me.
“I understand,” Kris says hugging me, “but Ace…”
“I know, I know. I need to tell him,” I sigh, “he was here yesterday.”
“He was? Does he know?”” Kris asks in surprise, pulling back to look at me.
“I don’t think so. He got out of the car and we starred at each other for a few moments and then he got back in the car and left. “
“Why did he leave?”
“I don’t know!” I say, throwing up my hand in frustration.
“I’ll talk to him, see what I can find out. But Caitlin you need to tell him.”
“I know.”
“I’m going to call Sid and see what’s up,” he says about to get off the couch.
I nod and look over to the fireplace, wishing my partner was still here. The tears beginning to descend down my cheeks.
“Kris?”
“Yeah?” he says, looking down at me on the couch.
“Bran’s gone,” I whisper, my voice cracking as I try to keep myself from crying, my eyes never leaving the fireplace.
He let’s out a deep sigh and sits back down on the couch, pulling me into him, his arms tightly around me.
“Yeah, yeah I know,” he whispers back, letting me cry into his shoulder as he rubs my back, planting a kiss in my hair.
** Later **
“You’ve got to be kidding me?!” he says loudly, throwing his hands in the air.
“Well, I’m not putting them all on a plane!” I retort, stuffing a pair of socks into my suitcase, “I hate putting them in the cargo hold for so long. It’s just easier to drive.”
“I’m not letting you drive your Wrangler all the way back to PA alone!”
“Kris, I’m not flying! Besides, how the hell do you think I got here?!”
“Oh my God, you’re so damn stubborn!” he says frustrated, “You may have drove here alone, but you weren’t four month pregnant!”
“Kris…”
“I’m going with you. Make room in your car,” he says pulling me into a hug.
“But…” my words muffled by his shoulder.
“Shut it, Ace. I’m not leaving without you and I’m not letting you go by yourself.”
“Fine,” I sigh, giving in because I knew there was no way I was changing his mind, I wasn’t the only one that was stubborn, “We’ll leave first thing tomorrow, that way you can be rested and such, for the game in two days.”
“Sounds, perfect... You know when I first hugged you, I thought you had gained a few pounds, but I didn’t realize…” he pulls away, smiling down at me.
“That I was almost 18 weeks pregnant?” I giggle.
“Yeah,” he smiles, “Who would have thought that I would come here to find you knocked up, with a little Ace floating around inside you tummy.”
I can’t help but laugh, it was the first time I have laughed in awhile. It felt good.
“Thanks Kris, I needed that,” I smile, wrapping him in a hug.
“Any time Ace,” he smiles hugging me tightly.
“So when’s the due date?”
“May 24th.”
“Oh boy, in the middle of the playoffs,” he smiles, “You can’t even tell you’re pregnant unless I hug you!”
I sigh, taking off my baggy sweatshirt to reveal my tight fitting tank top that barely fit over my swollen abdomen. I put my hands on my hips and turn to the side, letting him take in my full profile.
“Never mind,” he chuckles with a grin.
Sid’s POV
“Brrr… Brrr…”
I groan, looking over to the alarm clock next to my bed.
“Jesus Christ,” I mutter throwing the pillow over my head, “Who the hell calls me at 2:30 in the morning?”
My phone ceases its noise and I let out a sigh, hoping I can go back into the coma I had put myself in. Cursing the person that had called me, waking me from a dream that I couldn’t remember, but also a dream that didn’t have her staring as the main character for once in a long time. I had gotten back from Utah early this morning and after a full day in the training room, getting rid of my frustrations, I had finally exhausted myself so that I could sleep, without thinking of her.
“Brr…Brrr…Brrr…”
“UGH!” I groan, throwing the pillow to the other end of the bed and grabbing the phone off the nightstand, without bothering to look at the caller ID.
“What?!” I grumble into the phone.
“Sid.”
“Tanger?! What the hell, its 2:30 in the morning!”
“Sorry, “ he mumbles quickly, “Sid, what happened?”
“What do you mean what happened,” I ask annoyed, trying to rub the sleep from my eyes.
“What happened in Utah?”
That immediately wakes me up, how did he know? I hadn’t told anyone about my trip.
“How do you…”
"I’m at Caitlin’s now,” he says in a hushed voice, “She told me you were here, but then you just left. What happened?”
“She was with someone else Kris. She’s moved on,” I sigh; my head drooping as I finally say it out loud.
“Pfft, no she hasn’t,” he brushes off quickly, “What makes you think that?”
“Because she was in some other guy’s arms.”
“You must have read something wrong. Sid, she’s all alone up here, well sort of.”
“Kris…”
“I’m bringing her home in two days, Sid. She’s coming home for Christmas, and you two need to talk.”
“There’s nothing to talk about, we both have to just move on,” I sigh shaking my head.
“Oh Sid, there is a lot to talk about, trust me. I’ll be back before the game, and I’m going to bring her home with me and you two are going to talk and figure all this shit out.”
“Listen Kris…” I say rubbing my temples, trying to get rid of the headache that was building.
“Sid, go to bed, I’ll see you later,” he says before hanging up.
“But…” I try, but he already hung up.
I sigh, retrieving my pillow from the end of the bed. What could he mean, ‘there was a lot to talk about?’ Didn’t he realize I just wanted to forget, that I wanted this constant ache in my chest to go away?
Sighing, I pull the covers up around me again, facing away from the depressing sight of the vacant opposite side of the bed. So much for getting her out of my head. It was going to be a long night.
